Questioning My Aim

What Could I do, that I even WOULD do?

So what to do with my black pilled point of view? Depression has the potential to take people out. Not that this is necessarily a cry for help, but I am increasingly aware of how far down my mood has gone recently, and this must change. What I do find strange about the idea of getting better and improving my own emotional well being is that I question my motives as being selfish. If I am chasing a non-depressive state then I may perceive this would not be “aiming up,” as it is for my own health and therefore would be a waste of time and not at all “seeking first the Kingdom of God.” I do wonder if, because I too would benefit, if there are more sinister purposes in my dark heart. I would like to avoid these thoughts entirely, but a desire to avoid pain, when pain may be a necessary element, isn’t exactly an encouraging step in the right direction.

I believe it’s true that there are masochistic people in the world. They enjoy the feeling of being depressed. It gets them attention and is self-seeking. I despise this type of person; but I wonder if it’s because I suspect that I myself am this way. Is it a stretch to believe a well meaning person spoke in to a sorrowful life and gave empathy at just the right time in a way that fostered compassion that was enjoyed? Could that behavior have been reinforced into a bad habit over time? Yes, I could easily fit into this category of darkness, but more lives are affected than just mine. Motives matter and I have come to the point where I look around at my family, friends, and coworkers and wonder how they put up with it. The way I behaved in the past does not deserve such grace, but God…Christ Jesus, has redeemed many of my acquaintances, and if not for that, I should wonder why I’ve not been abandoned.

Fruits of the Holy Spirit—temperance, patience, love, kindness—have all been heaped upon me throughout most of my life, thanks to the Grace of our Lord. That miracle in itself deserves my pursuit of treasures in Heaven with every fiber of being I can muster. So, I will ignore my own worries that my aiming at the highest good for my own sake alone is even plausible. When I heal mentally, my wife (who is indeed my closest neighbor and ally) will be better. My children will flourish and not see Dad as too temperamental to bother. My coworkers will begin to see a productive, friendlier person and feel more at ease as they concentrate on their work. Friends can relax, as they sometimes do fret when I drag them down into the depths of despair. “Against all of these, there is no law” according to Galatians 5:23.

And what shall I aim at, pragmatically? What is the highest good? I can set all sorts of ideals, grandiose ideas and get lost in the minutia of trying to do something that may never get done because I have set up a giant that will never fall. No, not with the state of mind I’ve had as of late. My goals must be something I can aim at and hit where I am right now. Something I could do, but not even that, something I would do. A humble goal is needed, if for no other reason to start moving forward. This journaling could be a start, but even here, it is still somewhat vague, though into the ether it is. Today my goal will be research for what I need right now.

And what I need is education on the beast I am dealing with.

Did you know that there have been studies that say 1,000 mg of Fish Oil in the form of EPA vitamins have been known to help reduce symptoms of depression? Creatine Monohydrate helps to alleviate depressive tendencies as well, along with the added bonus of helping power through body building workouts. Speaking of exercise, this too is something I may do tonight.

Before I do anything, I’m going to hug and kiss my wife and thank her for all she does. These are baby steps—goals of humility that I can take immediately, and will. In this, I’ll at least have a start. Here’s to hitting a bullseye five feet in front of me.

Cheers!